March 25,2004 - Memphis Job Corps Center, Women's History Month Celebration

Good afternoon. I’m delighted to be here today. My name is E-ling Ballew, and I am the owner of Ballew’s Bridal & Formal Salon in Memphis, TN. I am here to share some of my experiences with you.

I am Chinese and I was born in the city of Taipei, Taiwan. I’m the oldest child in a family of four daughters. No sons. Notice that I emphasize “no sons.” You see, in Chinese culture, it is considered very important for a husband and wife to bear a son who will carry on the family name. It is also expected that the son will take care of his parents when they reach old age. Nursing homes are very rare in Taiwan because the elderly are revered and their care is the family’s responsibility.

My mother cried when her fourth girl was born. She thought that it was her fault and a personal failure. Both of my parents felt ashamed. I remember my mother often saying to me, “I may not have a son, but my daughters will be better than other people’s sons.”

My parents’ expectations were high and I learned early not to disappoint them. After all, I had to live up to the standards of an eldest son. I excelled in school and never talked back. In time, I became my father’s favorite instead of his failure. I was well behaved and often got to go out with my father. He enjoyed showing me off to everyone. I was his trophy daughter. I respected my parents deeply as well. I listened to them because I trusted them to lead me down the right path.

My family did not have money. My father had a low-paying job with the government that didn’t go far supporting 6 people. My mother had to take side jobs sewing and babysitting. We didn’t have a TV or refrigerator until I was 15. My friends and I would say that when we get married, we wanted a husband who could afford a refrigerator. But, still, I never felt poor because of my large, tightly knit family. I had my parents, three sisters, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and all of my many cousins. I loved holidays because that’s when we got together. Because it was a special occasion - we were allowed to drink Sprite and Juice - Both were rare treats. You see, I didn’t feel poor because I always had my family.

My first encounter with Americans was the missionaries in Taiwan. My family and I attended their church every Sunday. My friends and I were especially taken with the beautiful Christmas cards and the delicious candy they passed out. Every now and then, my parents and their friends lined up at the church to receive donations of food and supplies. I still remember a favorite pair of plaid overalls I received and a cute outfit a neighbor made for her little daughter out of a muslin flour sack she had received. The little outfit had American writing on it. Now, I laugh because I know that the words were “US Army,” “flour,” and “sugar.”

You see, Taiwan is a small, overpopulated island that is only the size of Kentucky. Only the top 10% of students go to college and education is the ultimate emphasis for all families. My father had to sell our house so that I could attend the best high school and college. Our high school was very difficult because there were countless tests every day. Everyone wanted to beat the other 90%, the competition was fierce. Every day I worked hard and studied long hours. I’m sure that those days were the foundation for the long hours in the bridal shop later on!

I graduated from an all girl catholic high school as the valedictorian. And went on to a private college where I majored in French. That was the first time in my life I had the experience of having free time on my hands and that I was free to choose what I wanted to study. I was overwhelmed with the variety of subjects I could study. I plunged into the wide variety of clubs offered on campus; calligraphy, Flower arrangement, yoga, and instrumental music. During my previous days as a catholic schoolgirl, I learned that self-discipline was very important for success. No drugs, no alcohol, and no sexual promiscuity. Still, I had the time of my life. When my children were in high school, I told them that in addition to getting an education, they should attend college because it is a valuable life experience. College opened my eyes and made me aware of so many things that I didn’t even know existed. I decided I wanted to work for a big corporation and perhaps become an executive. When I reached my senior year, at age 21, I took an internship at a trading company.

That's where I met my husband Leonard. He was a friend of my boss, 35 years old, and an American. The first time he asked me out, I thought he was out of his mind. I had been taught that a good Chinese girl would never date a foreigner, let alone an American who had been divorced! In Chinese culture, divorce was regarded as a failure; it is a taboo even today. Marriage is a very sacred institution that cannot be entered into or out of lightly. Soon afterwards, Leonard went to work for a New York Textile Firm as the Fareast Operational Director and was transferred to Hong Kong. When I told my father that I was dating an American, he yelled at me saying, "You brought shame to my family name!" and refused to speak to me for a long time. During this time, Leonard wrote me a letter a day for the next two years. He couldn’t mail the letters to my house, because my father would throw them away, so he mailed them to my workplace. Some days I received more mail than my boss. Every few weeks, he would try to visit me in Taiwan. When we were in public, we couldn’t hold hands or people might discover I was dating an American.

When I was 23, Leonard proposed to me. I told him that I would not marry him without my parents blessing. My father hired an interpreter and made Leonard show his official divorce papers to guarantee that it was legal. In front of my entire family, my father made him promise to take care of his daughter for the rest of his life. With that, my father finally gave his blessing.

After the wedding, I moved to Hong Kong to be with Leonard. In the next five years. I would experience the life of an executive's wife; beautiful clothing, jewelry, art classes, maids, travel. I felt like I was in a movie. The arrival of our son was like a cherry on top of the cake. I thought life couldn't be more perfect. I had a husband who adored me and a beautiful son who made me feel like a star mom. My family had forgiven me for marrying a foreigner, and finally had a boy to carry on the family name. I was on top of the world!

In 1980, when I was 26, Leonard decided to start his own business and he wanted to move back to the United States. He chose Memphis, TN, because his brother Mike was living there at the time and wanted him to come join him in an import sportswear business. When we arrived in Memphis, I felt like I had landed on the moon. It was a culture shock that I couldn’t have imagined. I thought, “Where is everybody?” It was so empty. I was paralyzed because I did not know how to drive. I thought I must be the only Chinese person in Memphis. I was very lonely.

At that time, there wasn’t even a Chinese Grocery store. I couldn’t believe it. All the fish are skinned and without heads! I didn’t like the food and ate toast and butter for two weeks until I found pizza! After I was tired of pizza, I knew I’d better learn about American cooking. But, even that was difficult. I remember reading a recipe and telling my husband, "They misprinted the ingredients. Instead of milk & cream, it says, “Half and Half.” Half and half of what?" It was very frustrating. I’d never heard of most of the seasoning and the recipes. I was constantly hungry for Chinese food and I was still very lonely!

In 1982, Leonard had a falling out and split with his business partner. During his struggle in business on his own, we lost all our savings. But, we still had each other. He was still a loving husband and the father of our children. He closed the import store leaving us with only a small retail store called Bridal and Formal Discount Center. Because it was a specialty shop, the prospect of business was hopeful because we wouldn’t have to compete with the department stores.

Because my husband had a very old-fashioned attitude about marriage, he insisted I remain a housewife and not work. I did not want to just be a housewife, but the Chinese way was to follow your husband’s wishes. He said, “I want to come home every night to my wife and children and have a home cooked meal.”

Around 1985, Leonard got sick. He was vomiting and had constant headaches. I thought it was the stress from the business. A year later he was diagnosed with brain cancer. For the next 8 months, Leonard was in the hospital. By this time I had learned to drive, so I spent all my time going back and forth between the hospital and home with the boys. I wanted to try to learn about the business too, but the employees would not cooperate. They didn’t know me, and they didn’t want a foreigner who didn’t know anything about the business telling them what to do.

On March 15th, 1987, when I was 32 years old, Leonard died of cancer. I had only been to the shop three times. My sons were ages nine and three. I found out Leonard didn’t have life insurance. He never thought he would get sick. I only had a bank account with $80.00 in it. There were mountains of hospital and business bills to be paid, in addition to back taxes that the business had never paid. The debt was around $150,000. I didn’t realize until his death that, as a wife, I was now responsible for repaying these debts. It was overwhelming. Out of kindness, at the funeral, one of my husband’s brothers told me that he could fix up his utility room for my boys and I to live in. The thought of living in someone’s garage terrified me. I decided my children had lost enough already. They would not lose their home.

The shop was closed 1 day so I could attend the funeral. I walked into the shop the day after the funeral and told myself it is time to work. I could tell that some of the employees were looking at me with doubt, this short, small Chinese woman who has no business experience. One told me, “I doubt you can ever learn this business. Why don't you just close the doors.” Out of kindness, some friends suggested that I file bankruptcy and return to Taiwan with my little boys.

I looked at the people who told me to run away and thought, “I’m not disabled. I have a college degree, I will not run away.” I refused to give up. I was going to work. In the next five years, I took intensive sewing lessons so that I could supervise the seamstress. I learned the bridal business by reading, attending seminars, and befriending all the dress vendors. Business was picking up and I was feeling more control over my life. Still, I constantly felt guilty that I wasn’t able to spend enough time with my boys.

Each morning, before I began my day, I prepared all of their meals and posted the day’s menu on the refrigerator. I couldn’t eat with them, but I wanted them to feel my presence. Even though I wasn’t there, I didn’t want them to come home after school and sit glued to the TV. So, I made sure my boys took piano lessons, karate lessons, they played hockey and participated in boy scouts. How did I manage their activities with 12 hour workdays? I begged. I got the club rosters and called every parent on the list until somebody agreed to give my children a ride. Every season, every year until they learned to drive themselves, I called and called until I found a ride for them. I would not let working long hours be an excuse to ignore my children’s development.

When my husband died, my world had crumbled to the ground. There was nobody but me to pick up the pieces. So I set up goals. There are long term goals and short term goals. Whether it was paying off debts, sending the boys to a good school, learning business, or investments. I actually wrote them down on a piece of paper and posted it in my bedroom where I could read it every night before I went to bed. I marked it off when I achieved a goal. 10 years later, I had marked off every one on the list. Then I started another list.

I read a long time ago in an article that most people only use 2% of their brain. I do not know how true it is, but I do know you have enormous inner strength if you force it to come through. I believe in setting your priorities and keeping focus. No experience is really a bad experience as long as you know the good ones enrich your life and you learn from the bad ones to make you a smarter and stronger human being. I want to tell you a little story about my business. Three years of hard work into the little Bridal and Formal Discount Center in Parkway Village, Business was doing better and better. I started receiving a lot of wedding invitations from appreciative customers. One weekend I decided to go to a wedding. The bride had purchased her wedding gown and bridesmaids dresses from me .When her guests complimented how beautiful the gowns were and asked her where she made the purchase, She said "Barbette's". Barbette's was the most prestigious bridal salon in Memphis back then. My feelings were so hurt that I vowed one day I will have a shop where brides will be proud to say they are a Ballew's bride. When the opportunity presented itself, I moved into where Barbette's used to be. I have been there for 15 years now and earned a great reputation in the bridal business. My story continues. A few years ago, I was invited to a friend's daughter's wedding. By the way, she did not purchase anything from my salon. During the reception, when many of the guests complimented how beautiful hers and her attendants' gowns were, and asked where she purchased them from, She said "Ballew's".

Seventeen years ago, a tragedy happened to me, but I did not let it beat me down. I have since found who I am, what my calling is, and raised two beautiful children and have a successful business.

I’d like to leave you with some final thoughts:

• Your surroundings and situation do not dictate who you are. That is your own privilege.
• I encourage you to become educated about your family’s finances. You don’t want to be caught by surprise.
• Set goals for yourself. You can meet them.
• You can be a professional and still have a family. Anything is possible if you really want it.

Throughout my life, I have always kept my dignity and integrity intact. I think in English, but my heart is always speaking Chinese. I am blessed by the best of both worlds.

Thank you very much.